What Women Need Instead of a Husband...

Today according the US Census over 45.2% of all people in the United States are Single. The highest in the history of the nation and more and more people are choosing the single life. For those that do venture down the path of “I do” over 50% of those marriages are ending amicably or horribly in divorce, with almost 70% of all those divorces being filed by WOMEN. How can this be is what the engineer in me immediately asked. Then it dawned on me. For centuries marriage was touted to women as an insurance policy against homelessness, childlessness and starvation. A woman’s survival strategy was to find a MAN who would marry her and be able to protect her from harm, put a roof over her head, put food on the table and give her his last name so her children wouldn’t be bastards and shunned by society. Seemed like a good setup and it worked for centuries. In exchange for a man being a husband, the woman was to perform the duties of being a wife. She would cook, clean, care for the children, provide all of the emotional support for the family, obey him (marriage vows used to say this) and be expected to put the needs of the family ahead of her own. So the Housewife relationships model (HW Model) was born as I dubbed it. Husband’s had very clear duties and everything that didn’t involve fixing broken things, cars, and outside was the woman’s role.

This is NOT HELP

Fast forward to the 21st Century where both men and women are working outside of the home. Children have schedules that rival any adult and the laundry and feedings still need to happen. Many women still feel it’s her responsibility to handle all of the duties performed by traditional housewives on top of a 50-80hr work week, and are literally crumbling under the invisible workload. Many women start in with this exhausting narrative cause she is trying to live up to the definition of a “good wife” and her husband is often oblivious to the fact that the woman he loves dearly is literally ready to collapse due to exhaustion and the overwhelm of never feeling like she can keep up. Yet if he is paying the bills, fixing broke stuff and ensure the doors are locked he feels pretty good about his job as a husband. Yet it’s the limitation and expectations of husband and wife for that matter that could use updating. So instead of a husband in title only what she sincerely needs and desires is a partner. Husbands often see themselves as “helping” when they choose to wash dishes or perform duties that according to the housewife model are the wife’s duties. A partner understands that washing dishes that you ate off of, or vacuuming the carpet at your house isn’t help, it’s a part of maintaining a home. Husbands often see taking care of their children as babysitting. Partners understand that taking care of children that carry half of your DNA is another word for parenting. Husbands unbeknownst to them are often considered by their wives as burdens instead of reliefs. Wives ofter express having a husband is like having another child, this is not a compliment. Switching from the mindset of ‘helping” to “partnering” is the hallmark of the “Power Couple Model”. Husbands are trained “Happy Wife Happy Life” as if his happiness is irrelevant and he doesn’t actually know how to make her happy. Partners understand they are responsible for their own happiness and together they can create a Happy Home and a Happy Marriage. Vacuuming is a turn on to many women because there is something sexy about being supported instead of taken for granted. Also to be fair women also are invited to relax those ‘Leave it To Beaver’ home aesthetics expectations. Your home could be immaculate at all times if you hire help, otherwise don’t pressure yourself to keep up a perfect home and the expense of the peace in the house. Partnering could be the difference between a Happy Home or a home that is headed for a premature divorce. What good is being husband and wife in title only to be trapped in a relationship where one person feels like the help, is ready to escape or staying cause husbands know it’s cheaper to keep her?

Everybody’s definition of partnering may look differently so communication still rules- just ask!! What’s one thing that would make a husband a better partner? Let me know your thoughts in the comments!!!


The Mis-Education of Men on Love

Bunnies and BS

It’s Easter Sunday and as I reflect on all that God has done for me, my soul is grateful and thinking about relationships!! Particularly the 1st relationship in the word, Adam and Eve. I know it’s not a resurrection story, but roll with me, because I trust it will help Powerhouse Women and the Men that LOVE US, break down communication barriers and build AMAZING relationships. So I was listening to a minister last week and his message was ‘Healing the Hebrew’. The title gave me pause but because I had agreed to listen to it, I did. It quickly became a sermon on relationships. Though the scripture was familiar, God put Adam into a deep sleep and took a rib to create EVE, the point was foreign. The message was cloaked in concern, filled with misogyny and wrapped in the general mis-education of men when it comes to love and relationships. The former, Sunday School ‘Teacher of the Year’ in me, has listened to men over the years preach this passage but this time something gnawed at my soul. At some point in his message the preacher was expressing to women if our relationships are to be restored, Shirley Brown, “Woman to Woman” lyrics were a model for the type of woman she should strive to be. I would have probably let it go, if women who were in relationships under this type of teaching were thrilled, or if the divorce rate wasn’t hovering at 50% with it being even higher in the church. Not to mention that over 70% of all divorces filed, are by WOMEN to the surprise of the husband, who usually has NO IDEA that the woman was unhappy, let alone planning to leave him.

Doing the LEAST

With tears in my eyes I asked God what are we missing? Because it has become apparently clear to me, that though men have the microphone, they legit have no idea how to LOVE a woman the way women want to be loved. Worse is that beyond SEX and MONEY, they are not taught what they should be prepared to bring to a relationship in no concrete terms. Through no fault of their own, cause the preacher said that he WAS NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT WHAT MEN SHOULD BE DOING IN THE RELATIONSHIP, because it’s hard out in the world for a Black Man and women need to understand that and not put demands on them.

Sunday School Revisited

Oftentimes the sermons that start with Adam and his rib end with how women are the blame for everything from the breakdown of the family, the lack of men who are faithful and global warming. Yet according to Genesis 5:2 contrary to popular preaching the Bible says male and female were created at the SAME TIME. So I asked God if male and female were created at the same time why is the story of Adam and Eve translated in this way. Here is the divine download I got regarding that. The only thing God made that he said was not good was that Man be alone. So in essence woman was the DIVINE ANSWER. EVE came forth fully provided for, she had no problems because she was the solution. God said that I pulled her from Man to show him that INSIDE of him is WOMAN. There has only been ONE WOMAN on EARTH to come from a man if you believe the story, however, EVERYONE else, including the Savior whose resurrection we are celebrating, came from a WOMAN. In fact all human beings start as female, it is why MEN have NIPPLES. The wholeness of a person is their ability to appreciate and see the value in all aspects of their being. Men demonstrate the power of masculine energy and in relationship with a woman men learn the power of his feminine essence. When the energies are split or not honored destruction is imminent. When Eve was removed from Adam what happened? With the feminine essence disconnected from the masculine element and acting on it’s own BOTH of them MADE POOR DECISIONS that went against the instruction of GOD. MESSAGE here is that disconnected from the full power available within us, feminine and masculine energy, we are ALL prone to cause pain and bring harm. When we see someone making purely EMOTIONAL decisions this is obvious, and the same is true with purely LOGICAL decisions too. It was a logical decision that the collapsed the economy, it was logic that led us to wars that can’t be won, it’s logic that causes men to adopt relationship instruction from MEN who proudly admit that they DON’T understand WOMEN.

Masculinity + Femininity = Divinity

Understand that together masculine energy + feminine energy is the epitome of divinity. Both internally and externally this is shown. Men and women can look into each others eyes and say “Let us make man in our own image” or you want to go half on a baby? Either way the model of how powerful we are together is still undeniable. The popular yet twisted narrative that suggest women were created to serve a man is ridiculous, everyone has a contribution to make in order that we all become the persons that God has created us to be. Society has stripped men of the right to express any emotions besides, ANGER and AROUSAL. Yet we are surprised that sexual assault is a thing and men seem to be more prone to it. It’s unnatural to not feel or to be connected to the power that was given by God. Women are often the emotional proxy for men, which enable him to feel safe enough through a woman’s care, concern, support and encouragement to FEEL and tap into that power alongside of his logic.

Where’s My Rib

There are plenty of women who are ready willing and looking forward to being in a great relationship - who will happily SUBMIT to her man. The difference is that Powerhouse women are looking for men as partners. Not men who demand submission because he has “breath and britches” as my granny says. When women couldn’t earn a livable wage, purchase a home without a man’s signature or ensure her own economic survival, marriage was her ticket. So she learned to be quiet, and how to cater to a man and go along to get along, which was smart. Now that gender slavery is no longer the case in the US, more than ever before we must learn how to LOVE and be LOVED by each other. For the men that are willing to learn how to LOVE a woman, he gets to look forward to a great woman, higher income, better earning potential, health and longevity. According to the statistics, God’s original plan for relationships is actually still working for men, women really are a helpmeet. For the men who refuse, or insist that women are crazy because they don’t understand them or worst think his penis and paychecks should be more than enough to keep a woman happy, will find himself in a fit of continual frustration, routinely failing at relationship and marriage, not to mention broke. Because, it is still cheaper to keep her.

I’m curious what did Church teach you about how to LOVE a woman?

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Happy Resurrection Day!!