Remember when you thought the reason you and your partner weren’t communicating was because you didn’t have time? Everybody was busy with a capital B. Juggling schedules and grabbing food on the go was the normal, exhaustion was a way of life and the first thing that was sacrificed was quality couples time. Then one day the coronavirus brought the world to a screeching halt . All of the urgent, important and non-important life events were cancelled. Commutes became none existent and the time you have always been looking for, was here. Yet after binge watching yet another mind numbing Netflix original, you and your partner have even less to talk about. How can this be?
According to a Forbes article only 18% of couples in quarantine are satisfied with their communication during this pandemic. Though 25% of couple are spending 35+ hours a week together only 29% report satisfaction with the quality time they are spending together.
What this article revealed was something that has become clear in my 10+ years of informal relationship research; and that is that a lack of communication is not a function of how much time is spent together. We have always had the time but we used distractions to ease the discomfort and hide our disconnects. The issue is not a lack of communication that is a symptom. The real issue is a lack of quality questions that allow you to connect with your partner beyond the updates of daily life.
At first glance my hope is the numbers provided you with relief that you are not alone, but on 2nd thought as The Love Engineer, I want you to know that it can also get better. You deserve an amazing relationship not a lackluster love life. If you want to strengthen communication during quarantine (and beyond) consider these 3 communications connectors:
Eliminate Expectations
Disappointment is just the difference between outcomes and expectations. Yet our expectations are often not communicated clearly. Not to mention sometimes expectations are not able to be supported by our partners for a variety of reasons, none of which have to do with our worthiness of the ask. So instead of having HIGH expectations of yourself or your partner during this time (or anytime) consider what it would look like to express with care and kindness what you want to experience. Instead of saying I need you to do xyz or would you have time to do XYZ? You never do ABC with me, how about I would love to do ABC with you is that something you’d be up for?
Ask Questions and Avoid Questioning
There is a difference between asking your partner a question and questioning your partner. It’s easy to couch a statement as a question but the outcome is usually a disconnect or one person shutting down. You can create closeness by asking quality questions. Communicating needs to be desired versus demanded. Instead of the dreaded we need to talk, how about “let’s play”? Games like The War On Love are fun and easy ways to bring an element of fun and surprise to the conversation and open up the communication in ways you have never imagined. Question games like The War on LOVE also provide the psychological safety needed to explore relationship topics without the fear of being punished because the topics are being posed via the cards, and you can always just blame it on the game.
Focus on What is Right
Tony Robbins always says what is wrong is always available and so is what’s right. We may not have the ability to change this pandemic or the craziness this crisis has dropped off at our doorsteps, but we always get to choose what we focus on. When we are feeling bad or uncertain we start searching for certainty. What’s wrong in the world quickly morphs to what’s wrong with me and then what’s wrong with my partner. This rabbit hole of despair doesn’t lead to anything worthwhile. So choose to find 7 things that are right for every 1 thing you find wrong. This will start to train your brain to look for the good in yourself and your partner and that alone will strengthen the connection during this quarantine and beyond.
How are you staying connected and close with your partner during this quarantine?