Blog — Dessert and Discussion

For as long as I could remember the rules and regulations for friendships of any gender banned the practice of dating someone’s ex. But have you ever wondered why? Why isn’t it okay for us to find love in our friend’s former lover? This was one of the many topics that had us on the edge of our seats at the last Dessert & Discussion in Twin Cities earlier this month.

Now I’m not saying you should go scouting out the past lovers of your friends or lay in wait hoping for the demise of their relationship so you can capitalize on lost lovers. What I am saying is, what if your soul-mate is your friend’s ex? Or what if your ex is the lover that is destined to make your friend’s love life complete. Why would the fact that either one of us has history be the thing to stop that?

A progressive-minded brotha and sista at the last Dessert & Discussion challenged the possessiveness of the audience by stating simply – “you don’t own people”. The truth rang in the air for a moment kind of humbling everyone before we snapped back into reality. What if you don’t want to see your ex booed up with your bestie? Can’t you be over someone and also still feel a way? They further pressed the hot button issue by making a very strong point about how we love each other. If your friendship is genuine, why wouldn’t you want them to be happy? Are there stipulations to the rule?

There is something to be said about releasing people energetically to live and live as they so desire. Short of an abusive ex, or a cheater – it’s really between your friend and his or her conscious to decide what’s right for their own heart. After thorough consideration I’ve decided that, my ex can most certainly date one of my friends if that is where both of them want to take things. I draw the line at my best friend – that’s a little too close. And I probably won’t be double dating with the new happy couple either. But at the end of the day, love is love and who am I to stand in the way of someone’s happiness.

Could you let your ex date your friend?
Where do you draw the line?

“You complete me”, used to be a popular admission until one day it wasn’t. In an effort to plant the independent flag, men and women today have a visceral reaction to the notion that anyone would complete them. I understand because that’s exactly how I felt when a spiritual leader looked me square in the eye a few years ago and asked…

“Where is your husband?”

I responded, without even thinking, that I didn’t have one “yet”. To which he said quite assuredly that I was not complete. Well, I almost lost it in the House of the Lord. I walk out noticeably miffed, scoffing at the idea but then it settled in a bit and I began to understand the truth behind it.

Most Powerhouse women hate the idea that they cannot be everything all on their own. But get this – you may be whole but that does not mean you are complete. You may be the finest loaf of bread in the world, but if your goal in life is to be a sandwich – you are in need of some ingredients. Being “complete” means you have reached the ultimate point you’re aiming for. Being incomplete doesn’t mean you’re unhappy and discontent, but that you are still on a path leading somewhere you want to someday reach. When it comes to relationships you absolutely should be a whole person. You should have an understanding of who you are, what you want and where you are going. But there is a vital and significant difference between that and convincing yourself that you are all you you will ever need.

No one can make you whole but it’s ok to need others to complete the vision you have for your life.