With so much emphasis being placed on the “purity” of a woman, I was drawn to the idea of being a virgin early on. Couple that with the fact that I thought babies ruined your life by preventing you from fulfilling your hopes and dreams. At least that’s the message I took away from the women around me who would urge me not to get pregnant, live my life before I got married or had children. Or, maybe it was the failed attempt of my mother to arbitrarily put me on birth control at the age of 16 because she wanted me to get out of high school without getting knocked up like a “fast-tail” girl. But, I refused the idea of birth control, and was mad because my mother didn’t bother to ask me what my sexual plans were, instead she assumed.
I had actually found another form a birth control around that same time - religion. I had accepted Christ as my savior, learned very early in my journey that fornication was a sin, and since I was a rule-follower by nature, this notion of virginity until matrimony was the most righteous form of birth-control imaginable. It kept me unbothered all through college, to my first job, several career related moves and made for a perfect and way to dismiss a man I wasn’t interested in. After a few dates, I would righteously make it clear that I was going to be avoiding the fast-track to hell by abstaining until marriage. Of course, as a result guys would stop calling. I later realized the sudden drop in interest was probably not because I was a virgin, but because my announcement of it was done in a way that had already convicted them of the “men only want one thing” crime.
Fast forward to 33. By then I no longer seemed to have a sufficient answer for the, “why are you a virgin” question. Graduations were all behind me, and I now realized that God probably wouldn’t love me any less if I was not, nor was it a ticket to the altar. I was starting to use it as a weapon and a judgement seat. From up there on my ledge of sexual purity I could look down upon myself at my human desires and suppressed sexuality. I could easily pass judgement on those who seemed to be moved by coitus, but why?
One night, I knowingly decided to test God’s love for me beyond my perceived notion of “holy sex”. I wanted to see what blessings would be removed for handing over my platinum virgin card. I thought about it and decided I wanted to be free from that prison, I had created the need to stand guard of my own virginity. So, with a well timed “wyd” text, I decided to forego the angelic host I had imagined would be at my bed posts on my wedding night. Nothing spectacular about the experience can be recalled, except the fact that the pressure was suddenly gone. I was thankful for the experience despite how unceremoniously it all came to fruition. I woke up the next morning with one realization that I hadn’t actually even ‘lost’ anything.