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I Didn’t ‘Lose’ My Virginity: A Short Story

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With so much emphasis being placed on the “purity” of a woman, I was drawn to the idea of being a virgin early on. Couple that with the fact that I thought babies ruined your life by preventing you from fulfilling your hopes and dreams. At least that’s the message I took away from the women around me who would urge me not to get pregnant, live my life before I got married or had children. Or, maybe it was the failed attempt of my mother to arbitrarily put me on birth control at the age of 16 because she wanted me to get out of high school without getting knocked up like a “fast-tail” girl. But, I refused the idea of birth control, and was mad because my mother didn’t bother to ask me what my sexual plans were, instead she assumed.  

I had actually found another form a birth control around that same time - religion. I had accepted Christ as my savior, learned very early in my journey that fornication was a sin, and since I was a rule-follower by nature, this notion of virginity until matrimony was the most righteous form of birth-control imaginable. It kept me unbothered all through college, to my first job, several career related moves and made for a perfect and way to dismiss a man I wasn’t interested in. After a few dates, I would righteously make it clear that I was going to be avoiding the fast-track to hell by abstaining until marriage. Of course, as a result guys would stop calling. I later realized the sudden drop in interest was probably not because I was a virgin, but because my announcement of it was done in a way that had already convicted them of the “men only want one thing” crime.

Fast forward to 33. By then I no longer seemed to have a sufficient answer for the, “why are you a virgin” question. Graduations were all behind me, and I now realized that God probably wouldn’t love me any less if I was not, nor was it a ticket to the altar. I was starting to use it as a weapon and a judgement seat. From up there on my ledge of sexual purity I could look down upon myself at my human desires and suppressed sexuality. I could easily pass judgement on those who seemed to be moved by coitus, but why?  

One night, I knowingly decided to test God’s love for me beyond my perceived notion of “holy sex”. I wanted to see what blessings would be removed for handing over my platinum virgin card. I thought about it and decided I wanted to be free from that prison, I had created the need to stand guard of my own virginity. So, with a well timed “wyd” text, I decided to forego the angelic host I had imagined would be at my bed posts on my wedding night. Nothing spectacular about the experience can be recalled, except the fact that the pressure was suddenly gone. I was thankful for the experience despite how unceremoniously it all came to fruition. I woke up the next morning with one realization that I hadn’t actually even ‘lost’ anything.  

6 Signs He's A Serial HeartBreaker

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He says the right thing, his text-back game is killer, he asks you out on proper dates (no Netflix and “chill”) and he’s exactly how you pictured your perfect mate would be. But in the back of your mind, in the hidden cracks of your psyche – your spidey senses are tingling. You know he’s delicious, but he smells too good to be true.

Wave away some of that fairy dust and take a quick assessment before you start planning your tropical baecation. Watch out for these telltale signs he’s not ready to settle down.

He’s Fresh Out

Ask him when his last relationship was. If it was anytime in the last year, you might want to ease up just a tad. It’s common to feel “over” a relationship, especially when it ended amicably. But giving proper time to breathe out an old lover is important for self-care. A man who gives himself time to grieve before he gets back out there is healthy and less likely to be trying to fill an old position with a new hire.

Baby On Board

Yep, sometimes the ex turns up pregnant. Sometimes you meet a man who has recently become a single father. Dating single parents if great, if you’re open to children. But dating a man who is the father to a brand new baby may be something you want to steer clear of. Despite how together he may seem, new parenthood is unpredictable and often complicated. Stay supportive from a distance and let him find his footing as a dad before getting involved.

Doesn’t Open Doors

It may seem awfully traditional, but no matter how sweet and sensitive a man is – if he can’t get the door, he’s missing a very important social component. As independent as women are today, plenty of men say they aren’t sure how to handle the door situation. Are women too self-sufficient to let a man tend to her? Maybe. But he should at least make an attempt to try. Pay attention to manners – social graces are a sign of maturity.

Ladies In Waiting

Nothing wrong with having friends of all genders, but be weary of the man with groupies. If he has women constantly fussing over him, he could be the type to need consistent confirmation or the kind of man who seeks approval from women. It’s not a guarantee that he’s a dog if he has a lot of female admirers (after all, he caught your eye didn’t he?) but, be sure it’s circumstantial and not by design before committing to Mr. Popularity.

Pencils You In

If baby boy is a card carrying Gen X’er or Millennial man, he’s probably just as busy as you are building his empire. With two varying yet equally important schedules finding time for courtship can be quite the challenge. It’s important to remember that men like to pursue, as much as women like to be pursued (not to be confused with playing hard to get).  If he can’t find the time to actually date you, be clear that you are looking for an activity partner, not a text buddy. If he’s interested in something real, he’ll step up his game. If not – you dodged a very busy bullet.

Lovers On Rotation

At some point during the discovery period that age-old conversation about ex’s should arise. When it does, keep your ears perked for signs that he has a set dating pattern. Does he always fall fast and then back-peddle? Does he only date a certain type of women but it never works out? Are you that same type? Of course we’ve all been raised not to judge – but sometimes it’s important to pay attention to someone’s history. If they have a set dating pattern, then chances are you know how this plays out.

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