I Didn’t ‘Lose’ My Virginity: A Short Story

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With so much emphasis being placed on the “purity” of a woman, I was drawn to the idea of being a virgin early on. Couple that with the fact that I thought babies ruined your life by preventing you from fulfilling your hopes and dreams. At least that’s the message I took away from the women around me who would urge me not to get pregnant, live my life before I got married or had children. Or, maybe it was the failed attempt of my mother to arbitrarily put me on birth control at the age of 16 because she wanted me to get out of high school without getting knocked up like a “fast-tail” girl. But, I refused the idea of birth control, and was mad because my mother didn’t bother to ask me what my sexual plans were, instead she assumed.  

I had actually found another form a birth control around that same time - religion. I had accepted Christ as my savior, learned very early in my journey that fornication was a sin, and since I was a rule-follower by nature, this notion of virginity until matrimony was the most righteous form of birth-control imaginable. It kept me unbothered all through college, to my first job, several career related moves and made for a perfect and way to dismiss a man I wasn’t interested in. After a few dates, I would righteously make it clear that I was going to be avoiding the fast-track to hell by abstaining until marriage. Of course, as a result guys would stop calling. I later realized the sudden drop in interest was probably not because I was a virgin, but because my announcement of it was done in a way that had already convicted them of the “men only want one thing” crime.

Fast forward to 33. By then I no longer seemed to have a sufficient answer for the, “why are you a virgin” question. Graduations were all behind me, and I now realized that God probably wouldn’t love me any less if I was not, nor was it a ticket to the altar. I was starting to use it as a weapon and a judgement seat. From up there on my ledge of sexual purity I could look down upon myself at my human desires and suppressed sexuality. I could easily pass judgement on those who seemed to be moved by coitus, but why?  

One night, I knowingly decided to test God’s love for me beyond my perceived notion of “holy sex”. I wanted to see what blessings would be removed for handing over my platinum virgin card. I thought about it and decided I wanted to be free from that prison, I had created the need to stand guard of my own virginity. So, with a well timed “wyd” text, I decided to forego the angelic host I had imagined would be at my bed posts on my wedding night. Nothing spectacular about the experience can be recalled, except the fact that the pressure was suddenly gone. I was thankful for the experience despite how unceremoniously it all came to fruition. I woke up the next morning with one realization that I hadn’t actually even ‘lost’ anything.  

Lessons For Moving On From Heartbreak

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You may not even notice it, but after a while, we get a little jaded. We put faith in someone, it feels right, it looks right, it lasts for a time, and then – almost out of nowhere – it begins to fade. Or it implodes or it breaks somehow. Then we pick ourselves back up and eventually find someone new, only to experience the same cycle again. By the time we reach our 30’s, most of us have experienced the build up and break down of love more than once and at some point we begin to anticipate it.

But just because you’ve been through it before, and may go through it again doesn’t mean the person sitting in front of you can’t be seen through fresh eyes. Before you throw away the idea of love entirely, it’s important to heal.

Everyone Is Dealing With Something

That guy who asked you out and is now over-explaining what he does for work, making your eyes glaze over and wonder where the waiter is with the check? That guy is nervous. He’s had his heart broken too. He’s got mom-issues or dad-issues and a best friend that gives weird advice. He’s probably got a million flaws and knows it. Instead of picking him apart mentally and filing him in the “lost cause” folder, take a moment and pretend that he’s just human. He may not be “The One” but you’ll never know until you get past the initial fear of wasting your time.

Stop looking for the waiter and start looking at the man who’s in front of you. Now, give him a shot.

Remember Why Past Relationships Ended

Instead of recalling the last few moments of your past relationships – the crying, the fighting the loneliness – try thinking further back. Trace the roots of the breakup without placing blame on either party. If he cheated, were there signs? Did you stop having sex? Why?  Did you know from the beginning that he was prone to cheat, and just ignored it? If you disagreed over money, was there a moment in which the issues were blown out of proportion? It’ll feel hard to sort through these details but there’s one very important reason to do so. We often get so caught up in the emotional details of a relationship that we ignore the logical ones. The logical reasons help us move on.

What actually ended your past relationships? These are the things to avoid.

Focus On Your Now

It may be something of a cliche sentiment, but real love tends to come once we stop looking for it. When we’re in “dating mode” everything feels harder, disappointments seem overwhelming. Instead of actively dating, focus on things that propel you forward. Take a class, start a new routine, fill your time with something else. Embrace celibacy and solitude and allow yourself to renew.

Stop Looking For Mr. Forever

A lot of people have a problem with the concept of “Situationships” because they offer no real permanence. It’s two people enjoying each other without the “so what is this?” conversation lingering in the back of their throats. But even though you may not be headed in the direction of life partnership, situationships have their purpose. It’s all the fun of dating someone consistently without the pressure of maintaining a relationship. Situationships also force you to practice something that is vital when it comes to love – detachment.

Be strong enough to experience something without attaching your emotions to its outcome. If you’re not strong enough for that, maybe you shouldn’t be dating at all.

At the end of the day, unresolved emotions can hold you back from more than the success of your future relationships. It can also eat away at your self-esteem and change the makeup of your very personality. It can hold you back in your career, hinder your health and wellness and affect the way you interact with friends and family. There’s enough heaviness associated with day to day life – put your emotional bags to rest and lighten your load.

The only thing worse than never moving on is pretending you did.